Ok so I know that this is technically Bill’s blog. But I asked if I could post the one for this week since I had something that I wanted to share. And being the wonderful man that he is he said he would be proud to let me post one. This is the first one I have ever done so I hope that you enjoy it. And by all means please feel free to leave any comments you would like.
I recently attended a Women of Faith Conference, and let me tell you that if any of you women out there have not been to one, you really should give it a try. It is such a blessing to hear the women’s stories and how there life was changed by God’s love and mercy. It’s truly was amazing experience.
The week before we were supposed to leave for Charlotte, I almost didn’t go. I was thinking I don’t really need this, it’s going to be crowded, and we are just going to be sitting all day listening to people talk and so on. But luckily my husband felt that I would enjoy it and he kept pushing me to go. So I said “Alight then, I’ll go, but just so you will stop bugging me about it.” Boy was I glad I did. God has been working in my life like he never has before since that first day at Women of Faith. I was listening to those women and some of the things that they had gone though in their life and what God had done for them, and it made me started thinking of my own life and the things in my past that I had not dealt with very well or just haven’t dealt with at all. And I realized that all this time that I have been a Christian and known God that I had not really let him in fully and that I really didn’t know Him at all.
It really started to sink in to me when one of the speakers for that day got up on stage (Sheila Walsh) and started telling her story of how she was deeply hurt when she was younger and how her walls of defense went up and she had made a vow to herself that she would never let anyone ever hurt her that deeply again. How she would never let anyone ever get that close to her heart again. That was when I thought to myself, “This lady is not just telling her story, she’s telling mine also.”
She went on to tell a story about a doll that her Grandmother had given to her. She had a shelf on her wall in her room where she kept all her dolls. But her Grandmother told her, “Now this one is special because it has a china face. If you drop her she will break.” So to make sure that it never got broken she placed her on the highest shelf way back in the back so if any kids came in running around she would be safe and out of the way. It was that very moment that I knew the reason that God wanted me there.
You see I have been that china doll sitting on the back shelf not letting anyone get close to me for about fifteen years now, including God.
After I was so deeply hurt by my first marriage fifteen years ago, I told myself that I would never let anyone get that close to me again, I never wanted to be put in a position where I had to feel anything like that ever again. So up the walls went, as high as I could possibly get them, complete with steel reinforcement and snipers on the roof. NO ONE was getting even close to my heart. I would shove any feelings of hurt no matter what it was way down to the deepest part of my soul and there it would stay where I didn’t have to feel a thing. I didn’t want to talk about hurt, deal with hurt and I certainly didn’t want to feel it from any situation that I faced. Just stuff it down, suck it up and move on is what I got to be a pro at. I had gotten really good at keeping people at an arms length away, never letting anyone see the real me. I could reach out and touch them but when they started getting to close further back on the shelf I would put myself.
“Trust,” that is what it all comes down to. And as Sheila put it, when trust is broken it is the deepest wound there is. It’s the one feeling that is the easiest to disguise and the hardest one to drag out of the closet into the light of God’s healing presence. We can all learn to love again, to move on with our lives, to have children, to live and to laugh again but there is still a place inside where you just don’t trust anyone. You do everything else but you just hold that part back. But when you do that you can’t fully trust God either. You can’t not trust people and trust God; it just doesn’t work that way. If you have trust issues then you have it everywhere. And it is always the ones that are the closest to you that pose the greatest threat. But if you can learn to let go and trust God to take control of your life and your heart without holding anything back, then you will see that life isn’t that bad after all. When you let go and let God then the empty isolated feelings begin to just go away. And then you can begin to start rebuilding that trust in other people again.
You see by me putting those walls up and having them up for so long, I started feeling very alone. I could be in a room full of people and just feel very disconnected and isolated. So as I’m sitting there listening to her story and how she ended up feeling so alone that she ended up spending a month or more in a psychiatric ward because she was so depressed, I knew in my heart that I was headed down the same path and that I needed to do something about it. I just wasn’t sure what that something was. I also knew that God was telling me “Ok Angie, it’s time to come out of your box, it’s time to let me help you break down those walls. It’s time to trust me to help you out of the situation that you have put yourself in. You’ve had your time now it’s mine. All you have to do is step out from behind the walls and take my hand.”
Then throughout the rest of the conference we heard from several different women. Each had their own stories to share but all of them seemed to be talking to me. Everything from the bible verses they shared to the way they at first either dealt with or didn’t deal with their pain. Even though the stories were different they all ended with the same point. God will never leave you, never forsake you, He will protect you, hold you in His loving arms and help you through anything life throws at you if you just TRUST in him. So that last night I went back to my room feeling a little overwhelmed with it all and I started praying. I said, “Ok God, I give up. I’m not fighting you on this anymore. You win, now what? I don’t know what to do, how to do it or where to go from here. But I’m ready to trust in you fully. You have my whole heart, do with me what you will, I am ready to come out from behind my walls, to let go and let You help me to learn to trust again. Now it hasn’t been easy for me. But with God’s help, I’m getting there. So if there are any of you out there that are in the same boat as I was please let God help you. Even if you don’t feel like you can trust anyone else in the whole world at least trust in Him. He will NEVER EVER leave you and NEVER EVER hurt you. Just let go and let God!
Isaiah 43:2 when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield.
Deuteronomy 31:6 be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid because of them, for the Lord our God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.
Dear Lord, I come to you today to say thank you. Thank you for all the men and women out there that are not afraid to share their stories with us in the hope that we will come to know you better and draw closer to you Lord. I pray that if this blog has touched anyone that you will help them to trust in you with all of their heart and learn to let go and let you take over for them to lead them in the direction they should go, to let you be the lamp to their feet and light to their path Lord. Help them to trust in you Lord for everything that life throws at them and to trust that no matter what they may face in this world that You Lord will never leave them nor forsake them. I ask this in your most precious name Lord...Amen!
No comments:
Post a Comment